Three Things

1. The other day, Willis walked in the front door and said to me, "Did you cut into your little pumpkin today?"
   
   I looked at him like he was nuts, and I said, "No! Why?"
   "Well . . . somebody did."
   
   Somehow, I forgot to go look. Just yesterday, I happened to be on the front porch (putting the Netflix in the mail), and I saw it. Here's what it looks like.
   
   

   
   
   
   
   

   
   

   Yeah. The idiot chipmunks murdered my pumpkin. Did I mention before that they ate my Indian corn, too? Punk rockers. I'm starting to think that these little guys need to die.
   
2. Two nights ago, Willis and I were whipping up grilled cheese and tomato soup for dinner. I was adding basil to the soup, and we started talking about basil (naturally). I told him about how I had a big container of basil stashed in one of the cabinets because we use a lot of it. He was saying that he never uses it. I told him I use it all the time, and I said, "In fact, basil is probably my favorite spice."
   
   Without missing a stinking beat, the goober goes, "Oh, really? My favorite was Scary Spice."
   
   I asked him how long he'd been planning on dropping that bomb, but he said he made it up right then. I can't work with that. 
   
3. This morning, Willis said, "Jenny. I have some information for you, and you can choose to do with it what you will."
   
   I said, "What is it?"
   
   He goes, "Apparently, they've discovered through studies that if a woman drinks three cups of coffee a day, her breasts will shrink."
   
   I said, "Oh. What are you trying to tell me (I don't drink that much coffee, by the way)?"
   
   He goes, "Nothing, but I'm gonna go downstairs and throw out all of our coffee."
   
   What am I gonna do with this guy?