Sunday, July 31, 2005


Well, today was my first day off in about two weeks, I think. It's been SERIOUS at work. We moved offices in the middle of last week which, coincidentally, also happened to be the fair AND the week that we decided to go daily. Oh, and in the middle of the week, someone brilliantly mis-planned and our internet was disconnected for about two days. That was painful. 

Today, I slept in until one. I made Willi go to the pool with me not much after I awoke (and we watched the second half of Jerry McGuire). We then went and did some random grocery shopping, movie renting, and potting soil buying (actually, in reverse order). I needed to re-pot some plants that are on our patio. Our tomatoes are lookin' like they're gonna be spriggin' some reddies soon. I can't wait! I hope nobody steals this one like they stole our two pepper plants. Punk rockers. I want to cut them. Who steals plants!? Man . . . I can't believe that still makes me so angry.

I started to talk to Andy (from work) last night about how I'll probably have to make a choice soon about where Willi and I are going to be living (and where I'm going to be working). I didn't tell him the decision was basically already made (I didn't think that would be prudent). I laid the whole scenario on the table and told him that Willi is still driving to work two hours to and from everyday, and it makes me sick. Even living an hour away from my work would reak for both of us because, honestly, I think driving more than 45 minutes to work is completely ridiculous for anyone. So . . . I basically did a little pre-warning, but I also assured him that I wouldn't make that decision (to leave) until things calmed down at work. Who knows when that is actually going to happen. So, who knows when Willi and I will actually be moving. It's gotta be long before winter because I can't have my boy driving that far . . . and north . . . in winter. I would go NUTS! I couldn't stand it.

It's heartbreaking, though. All of it. I loved my job here in Lebanon. I really did. I almost cried while I was telling Andy the scenario last night. I told him that I'm pretty sure that jobs that I might love aren't going to be easy to find. I've gotta make this choice, though. That's life. That's being married. My choices don't just affect me anymore. Unfortunately, the choice is basically already in the bag. I just didn't mention that. Man . . . this is going to be so hard. When will there be a time in my life where there's no struggle? It seems that since my senior year of college, life has been an uphill battle. First, I was devastated that I was graduating and leaving having just started dating Willis. Willi proposed, and my parents weren't as thrilled about it as normal people would have been. I graduated, found a job, and I hated it. Then, I quit that job--and not in a way that people should. I struggled when I couldn't find another job right away. I worked as a waitress after that. Then, I started this job, which I loved. I planned a wedding virutally on my own (which . . . honestly . . . wasn't that much fun, and the support I got was minimal if the Browns hadn't stepped in and helped out. Otherwise, it was basically unavailable). Now, I'm here (which is okay), married (which I love, and I love Willi), and I'm having to leave a job that I adore. I don't adore the hours, though. I also don't adore Willis having to drive so far. Willi's job is better for both of us, and if one of us had to chose between either of our jobs, we'd both have to pick his. We don't even know if my job will still be around in a month (theoretically). So . . . the heartbreak is still here . . . and why? Because I love the people. I can't base a decision for two people based on the fact that I work with people I enjoy. It's just hard. That's all. It's hard to find likeable people in the first place. Finding a job that has likeable people is like finding a needle in a haystack. I'm hoping that I can recover from this . . . Willi, if you're reading this, I'm warning you that I could go through a phase of bein' really needy once I leave this place. I imagine there's going to be a pretty vicious void. After all, I'm working nearly 60 hours a week with these people. I don't even think I'm sleeping a quarter of that time. If I am, it's an odd kind of sleep. It's afternoon nap sleep. It's three in the morning until 6 a.m. kind of sleep. I could go into shock. I just hope I'm sane enough to recognize that about myself and move on . . . Mental health is such a slippery slope now and then . . . Hah!

Alright . . . I should probably attempt to get myself to bed, but sleeping until one was GLORIOUS. Willi has been cashed out for about an hour and a half, but that's due to the fact that he'd been awake since about 10:30 . . . Plus, he's an old man now. :)

Can you freaking believe I'm gonna be 24 in less than a week, now? Weeeeeiiird.

Life gets easier, right? God . . . I hope so.