Friday, July 10, 2009

Getting All Poignant

Tomorrow, my little girl is going to be 18 months old. I can't even begin to fathom where the time went.

I sat watching Nora play today (she's quite good at playing by herself—almost too good. I want her to play with me sometimes, too), and I couldn't help but to get a little bit choked up. And yes: I'm pregnant, and I'm possibly more emotional than normal (although, some might argue that I'm less emotional than usual—I blame that on the boy factor in my belly). However, I think the thoughts that flew through my head were thoughts that would jerk tears out of me at any time.

I started to think about my biggest fear, and how throughout my life, the status of my biggest fear has always been changing. When I was a kid, I think my biggest fear was of death—just death in general (my aunt Cindy died tragically when I was about 9 years old, and that marked me. My grandma Dill died the year after that). Maybe I was afraid of losing my parents—I'm pretty sure that was right up there with my own death, but as a kid, I think I had a pretty selfish view of life.

When I got older (old enough to know I wasn't a great swimmer), my biggest fear was probably drowning. When I was driving, my biggest fear was dying in a car accident. That one stuck with me until I met and fell in love with Willis. After that, my biggest fear was losing him. I realized I'd rather die than have that happen.

Then, Willis and I had Nora. My world is so different now.

Now, I have so many fears that are on that worst fear list. They are so freaking crippling to think about because I now have so much to lose.

I can see why some people never settle down, get married, or have kids—it's so safe. One can live a life on a little island away from pain and connection, and he/she can be okay. I can see the value in that, I suppose—especially when I think about what could happen (and I really, really try not to do that, but not acknowledging some of it would be naive, I think).

However, I think if I were faced with the choices all over again, I'd still pick the same things. Life just wouldn't be life without my family. I just hope that we're lucky enough to be together for a long time. Every day that we get to be together is a gift, and that's a fact.

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